


There's Certain Things That I Adore (Let's Ignore Them)

by poetrydivided



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, emo but cute, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-23 20:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12515956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetrydivided/pseuds/poetrydivided
Summary: The one in which Camila attends university and is a total loser who still can't remember her way across campus and relies on a Junior, Ally, to give her directions every day. One day, however, a taller, darker-haired girl takes Ally's place.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> super cute super emo super un-edited lol

Maybe it was her fault for making a college she’d never visited her “dream school.”

Maybe she’s just having a woozy homesick “bird finally left the nest” phase.

Maybe she’s just being weird. All Camila really knows is that her school’s campus is far, far too big and she feels far, far too small. A lot smaller than how she felt in her overcrowded Miami public high school. A lot smaller than how she felt in her four-year term as a member of the Debate club, where everyone was far louder and more conservative than she ever would be. A lot smaller than she felt in her own friend group from high school (only one of which she still talks to).

The University Of Southern California approximately costs $70,000 a year, and though Camila attends the school on a full scholarship, the one thing she’s learned thus far into the semester is this: All that extra tuition money has to go towards expanding the campus beyond belief. By the end of each day, Camila’s legs are worn and all she wants to do is nap, instead of going to her job as per her work-study. What’s worse is she keeps getting _lost,_ blurring all the different class clusters and buildings together. It’s gotten so bad that she’s _still_ asking for directions from upperclassmen, _and it’s already been a month into the first semester._

It’s always the same girl, too, that Camila asks directions from. A short brunette who could easily be mistaken for a middle-schooler; just the right amount of _non-intimidatingness_ that Camila can handle.

Except today she isn’t where she typically is, between the campus’ obnoxiously large fountain and the path facing a large conglomerate of red and gold buildings. In Short Brunette’s place is a taller, paler, darker-haired girl, popping gum as she scrolls through her phone. She looks up periodically, as if waiting for someone, but mostly her dark green eyes stayed glued to what Camila guesses to be her social media feeds.

Camila can’t do this.

So, like, she has two options: ask the really pretty, really _intimidating_ girl for directions and potentially(definitely) make a fool of yourself, or skip class altogether.

She chooses the latter. _Obviously_ she chooses the latter, hunching her shoulders and keeping her head down as she speed-walks past the girl. She checks the path she’s taking, trying to seek out any signs that might tell her she’s heading towards the right cluster of buildings-

“That’s the wrong way.”

The words aren’t directed at Camila, right? She keeps walking-

“Yo, dude, no-“ Suddenly there’s.a hand on her shoulder. “Government building is _the opposite way.”_

Camila takes the moment then to analyze reality, the raven-haired girl towering over her as she points in the opposite direction, brows raised, still popping her gum.

Camila deflates like a popped balloon right then and there. Not even the logical thought, “ _How does she know where I’m meant to be going?”_ Instead she thinks, “ _Stupid,”_ and mutters an apology as her cheeks flush red.

She waits for the embarrassment to pass, for the raven-haired girl to laugh or something and walk away. Instead, the girl says, “Ally’s sick, and she knows you have trouble with directions typically on Wednesdays, so she sent me and…yeah, if anyone should be apologizing, it’s me,” She sticks a hand out, smiling goofily. “We have PoliSci together, but I normally sit way in the back. I’m Lauren,”

Camila blinks at the girl, only processing the fact that there’s a hand in front of her after approximately one minute. She grabs it and shakes as softly as possible.

“You know, if you’re having that much trouble finding your way around, you should probably acquire a map.”

Camila’s cheeks flush even harder. _I tried getting a fucking map. The RA was a douche._

“I’m kidding,” Lauren reassures. “I know the RA is a douche.”

Warmth. Camila relaxes a little, sighing as she begins to process everything. Ally, Ally…That must be the name of Short Brunette! She never really took the time to learn the girl’s name, and it sends a small shiver of guilt down Camila’s back to know this said Ally cared enough to send a stand-in for Camila’s sake.

“I’m Camila,” She realizes she hasn’t let go of Lauren’s hand, and immediately retracts it, cheeks flushing again. “Um, I’m a first-year, clearly. I’m not really used to big places like this…”

“You’ll get used to it. Trust me, this is coming from someone who grew up in the smallest crevice of Miami.”

“You’re from Miami?” Camila’s eyes light up. “I’m from Miami!”

“Seriously? Ugh, _finally_ I’ve found someone to binge on Cuban food with.”

“You’re Cuban?”

“Cuban-Mexican!”

It was in that moment where Camila did not, for the first time this semester, regret enrolling at USC. It was also the first time she had actually made a friend at the college, walking with Lauren to and from class- a tradition in the making.

That’s how it started. Bird finally leaves the nest.


	2. Part 2

They’ve moved in together by the time the second semester runs around.

Okay, well, not _exactly_ moved in together; more like they’ve become dorm-mates for the next few months. Still, it feels like they’re living together, like they’re girlfriends preparing for the long haul. It feels that way for Lauren, anyway. She only hopes Camila feels the same.

Lauren began catching feelings before she even met Camila. Ally would come home from classes every night in a flurry, eyes wide as she recounted her run-ins with Camila. _Poor girl,_ she’d say. _She looks like she’s always on the brink of an anxiety attack._

The very idea of Camila just seemed so…lovable. And that thought only hardened over time throughout the friendship between the two girls.

If anyone’s been on the brink of anxiety attacks nowadays, though, It’s Lauren. She still hasn’t confessed her feelings for Camila, and, honestly, she probably never will- too scared of ruining the friendship. It’s the biggest cliche Lauren swore she’d never fall into, but it’s reality. Camila’s straight. Lauren is in love with her. Big deal.

At least, that’s the truth Lauren’s accepted until Camila comes waltzing into the dorm-room at quarter to three in the morning.

She struggles to close the door, eventually half-collapsing against it. When it makes a loud clap, Camila hangs onto the doorknob, one finger to her mouth, whisper-shouting, _“Shhhhhh. Lauren’s SLEEPING!”_

Lauren was, in fact, not sleeping. Sticking a bookmark into her book, she whispers back, “ _Getting drunk on a school-night?_ That’s not very _Cabello_ of you.”

Camila collapses against the door again. “ _You can-?_ You can _TALK!”_

“ _Oh god,”_ Lauren whispers to herself this time, under her breath. Quickly, she climbs out of her bed and helps Camila to her feet, walking the girl over to her bed. “Easy now,” She says.

“Lauren! You’re awake! Did the talking door wake you up?!” Camila puts a hand to her mouth. “I think he can hear _everything_ we s-say. C-careful!” Lauren tries responding, but Camila again urges, “C-Careful!” She laughs, which prompts Lauren to laugh.

There’s the general humdrum of playing along: Lauren tucks Camila in for bed, grabs a glass of water and some aspirin and lays it all out on Camila’s bedside table for the morning. She smiles at Camila’s small, stuttered phrases, like “Thanks, dude,” and “You’re _too_ kind.” By the end of it, Lauren’s ready to crash in bed herself-

“Cuddle with me.”

The request is innocent enough, but that doesn’t stop Lauren’s ears from turning red. She turns her head slowly, forcing on a smile. _She’s drunk,_ Lauren thinks. _That’s all this is._

(Her heart still skips a beat, though, when she sees the warmth on Camila’s face; her eyes narrow but gleaming, smile goofy but not as stretched out from the alcohol as it should be.)

“Camz-“

“Come on! Who’s gonna protect me from the _Talking DOOR!”_

Lauren sighs, defeated. Before she knows it, she’s climbing into bed. With Camila. Bed. With Camila. And the only thing she’s thinking this entire time is, _this is wrong. She’s drunk and she’s going to be so embarrassed when she wakes up and sees that I’m in bed with her._

But then again, maybe this is all in Lauren’s head. She has romantic feelings for Camila, so of course she’s going to feel guilty for cuddling with her. But isn’t this what _friends_ do? Friends cuddle all the time, don’t they?

Lauren’s thoughts are cut off when she feels her hands being tugged, Camila forcing them around her waist. _“Have you never cuddled before?”_ Camila says, half-joking.

They stay like that-Camila in Lauren’s arms-long enough for Lauren to begin dozing off, any feeling of guilt overshadowed by peacefulness, warmth.

Then Camila says, “A lot of guys hit on me tonight.”

Lauren groans into Camila’s shoulder. _“Did they?”_

“Yeah. They weren’t r-really hot though…”

“That’s too bad.”

“Yeah. A lot of girls hit on me too.”

Lauren’s shoulders tense, and she tries to ignore the urge to retract her arms from Camila’s waist. “Oh,” She stammers. “Camz, maybe you should get some sleep-“

“It was weird. But like, one of them was really pretty. Like, _soooo_ pretty. Like, almost _your_ level of pretty.”

It’s here where Lauren fully retracts her arms. As soon as she does, Camila turns around to face Lauren, eye-to-eye.

“H-have you ever-? You know…what’s the word…extracted-d with girls?”

Despite the blood drumming in her ears, Lauren chuckles, propping her head up with her elbow. “You mean _experimented_ with?”

“I don’t t-think that’s fair…to characterize sexuality like a-a…science thing-“

“Yes,” Lauren stops Camila’s ramblings. “Camila, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m as gay as they come.”

Camila drops her jaw.

“I mean, I identify as bisexual, but recently I’ve been…I don’t know, kind of questioning. I think I like girls more than I do guys, so, um…” Her ears grow redder. “Yeah.”

“What’s it like? K-kissing a girl?”

Oh no. Nononono. Lauren refuses to let this go where she _thinks_ it’s going. She sits up, crossing her arms over her chest. “Camila, it’s like four in the morning-“

“I’m just curious! I’ve n-never…” She doesn’t finish, so Lauren prods.

“You’ve never kissed a girl?”

“No…” Camila shakes her head like a child, sitting up too. “Anyone.”

Lauren blinks.

“You’ve never kissed… _anyone?_ Like, at _all?!”_

Camila blushes, but then again it could just be the alcohol getting to her. Either way, it makes Lauren feel even more guilty. She takes hold of Camila’s hand.

“Sorry, it’s just…” She shakes her head. “You deserve to have your first kiss. You shouldn’t rush it, though. It’s like, good, in a way, that you haven’t had it yet.”

Then Camila gives Lauren a look- _the look-_ and Lauren knows what she’s going to ask before she even opens her mouth. Straight away, she shakes her head.

“No.”

“Laur-“

“I can’t. You _know_ I can’t. I mean, you’re _drunk,_ for one thing. You shouldn’t have your first kiss when you’re _drunk!_ Do you know how shitty drunken first kisses are? They’re shitty _for a reason-“_

“B-but it’d still be with you.”

Lauren blinks again, chest heaving. “What is that supposed to-“ But she stops herself, too scared of Camila’s answer.

In any other situation, Lauren would be happy to give Camila her first kiss. She would love to be that stepping stone for her, to revel in the crush she’s had on her for so damn long. But doing it when Camila’s drunk, when she’s just talking out of her ass…That’s no stepping stone. It’s a wobbly plank of wood over a river that’s about to give out. Lauren knows better than to kiss a drunk person- never mind a drunk _Camila._

“You’re just drunk, Camila. You don’t want me to be your first kiss. Trust me.”

“W-what if I do?”

Lauren sighs. “I’m not going to kiss you. It would be _immoral_ of me, _wrong_ of me to kiss you when you’re drunk. Okay?”

“So you’re saying if I wasn’t d…d-drunk, you would kiss me then?”

Lauren sighs again. Camila won’t remember this in the morning, she tells herself. Words are never remembered past alcohol.

“Yes,” She admits. “If you asked me, sober, to kiss you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But you’re not sober, are you? So it’s not happening.”

A beat passes, and then:

“W-what if I kissed you?”

Lauren rolls her eyes. More to herself than Camila, she mutters, “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

In response, Camila presses her lips to Lauren’s.

It’s a lightning bolt, something that is as fleeting as deja vu, as caffeine-fueled energy bursts and song-induced depression. It is so much emotion at once, even through this veil of liquor, and it is almost too much for the both of them to handle.

They pull away nearly as soon as it happens, though Camila lingers for a second longer. She keeps her lips slightly puckered as she looks back at Lauren, eyes glazed over, head cocked in what seems like confusion. Her brow is furrowed.

Lauren simply swallows hard, chest heaving. She stares at Camila with concern, a mix of guilt and worry. _Say something,_ she silently pleads. _Say something stupid and go to sleep so we can just forget this ever happened._

But Camila does not, in fact, utter a word. Slowly, she folds back into her bed, eyes remaining wide and glazed-over.

Lauren wants to lighten the mood, joke, _Was it that bad?_ But she doesn’t. Instead, she goes over to her bed and covers her head with the blankets, making sure her body is turned away from Camila.

They never turn the lights off, but maybe that’s for a reason.

This is how the end begins. Bird with broken wing.


	3. Part 3

She’s been avoiding her for two weeks straight now.

Lauren knew this would happen. She _knew_ them tip-toeing around that dangerous romantic territory would result in Camila getting weird about things, so much that in order to avoid the conversation completely, she’d avoid _Lauren_ completely.

After three weeks of Lauren awaking to the sound of Camila creaking the door open and collapsing into her bed past two in the morning every night, her body gone before the sun can rise, always sitting in the crowded front of a lecture hall far before Lauren can get a word in; after hours upon hours of being unable to contact Camila whatsoever, Lauren has had it.

“I’m tired.”

“And you’re calling me because…?”

“She’s been avoiding me for a month, Dinah.”

“…Yeah-“

“You’re her best friend.”

“…Uh-huh…”

“Jesus, Dinah!” Lauren rakes a hand through her hair. “Just tell me what’s up with her. I know it’s because of our kiss. I know that things are awkward now and Camila doesn’t want to face what happened. I know she isn’t trying to hurt me. But that’s the damn thing: she _is_ hurting me. I’m so fucking tired of it. I _miss_ her, Di.”

“Laur, I really don’t think this is a good time…”

“It has to be. I’ll stay up until five in the morning if that’s when she’s deciding to come back next. We need to face our bullshit. We both deserve to have our friendship back, don’t we?”

“Um…Y-yeah…”

“Dinah.”

“Mhm…”

“ _Dinah,”_ Lauren raises a brow despite her friend being unable to see through the phone. “What is it?”

“Oh, nothing, um…”

Lauren’s heart rate picks up. “She’s with you, isn’t she?”

“I-I um…I can’t say _no to that.”_

“Jesus! She’s in the room with you? Is she in your fucking dorm or something?”

“…Can’t say no to that either…”

“Make sure she stays put.” Lauren sighs heavily, her frustration building like a rock in her chest. “I’m coming.”

She doesn’t really know what she expects to see upon barging into Dinah’s dorm room. Maybe Dinah and Camila arguing, or Camila crying and Dinah comforting her. Maybe Camila sleeping her pseudo-depression off. Above all, the one scene she doesn’t expect to see is Camila in the corner of the room, at a small desk, studying like a madman; a scene Lauren recognizes from her own dorm room all too well.

This shit hurts worse than all the other times Camila’s been avoiding Lauren.

“We need to talk,” Lauren says, announcing her presence. Camila instantly whirls around in her chair, heart clearly dropping as her wide eyes stutter to look at Dinah.

Lauren sees an escape plan forming in Camila’s mind. Instantly, she nods at Dinah. “Get out.”

“Excuse me-?!”

“This is a private matter and perhaps the one and only time Camila will ever actually speak to me face to face. Please, Dinah.”

There’s not much to say about Dinah’s leaving. She merely rolls her eyes, scoffs, grabs her phone and her purse and slips out of the room without another word.

That leaves Camila and Lauren alone, together in a room, for what feels like the first time in a century.

“So I’ll go first,” Lauren says, seeing Camila struggling to formulate a sentence. “You’ve been avoiding me nonstop ever since we kissed.” She pauses, watching Camila flinch.

“And I get it,” Lauren continues. “I get that this aftermath is awkward and messy and neither of us want to talk about it but we _have to._ I know you aren’t trying to hurt me, but Camila-“ She stumbles. “You’re hurting me, a lot. You’re making me feel like I did something wrong when I _told you. I told you,_ one little kiss is enough to set something bigger off-“

Yikes. Camila flinches again, and Lauren blinks as she tries to correct herself.

“That’s not what I mean- I don’t- I don’t mean it like that. I just-…Sacrificing our friendship for fear of awkwardness isn’t worth it. At least, it’s not worth it to me.”

Silence. Camila breathes loudly through her nose, quite obviously trying to slow her breath. She squirms around in her chair.

“I-I don’t know what to say.”

Lauren tries to calm the blood thumping in her ears. She raises a brow, angrily, at first, then lowers it as she takes a deep sigh.

“Camz,” She says, in a crackling voice. “Can we please just cut the bullshit? Talk to me about what happened that night. Talk to me about… _anything,_ okay? Just- just talk to me like you used to. Please.”

This should be the moment where they hug and make-up. This should be that ultra-cutesy scene at the climax of a movie where every piece falls back to where it should be. This should be the sweet, heartfelt finale.

Except that isn’t what happens. Instead, Camila merely slumps her shoulders, still struggling to find a sentence somewhere inside of her.

“Lauren, I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve just been…busy, you know? And it’s easier to study in Dinah’s room or the library than our own. It’s nothing against you-“

“Don’t be like that.”

“Be like what-?”

“Like,” Lauren sighs, even more frustrated. “Like I’m over-exaggerating things. Like I’m overreacting. You’re still avoiding talking about it. It’s not that big of a deal, Camila.”

“I know it’s not that big of a deal, Lauren.” Camila’s tone has risen slightly, now sounding more condescending than innocent. “I know full-well what happened that night. Why should we talk about it if we both know it was just a mistake?”

Ouch. That shouldn’t hurt Lauren as much as it does. She shakes it off, clearing her throat. She wonders if her face is as red as she feels internally.

“Camila,” She exhales, exasperated. “If we don’t talk about it, you’re just going to keep avoiding me.”

“But I haven’t been-“

“Just how in-denial are you, Camz?” Lauren crosses her arms. “I know how this works. Something weird happens and then everything is awkward and then-“

“Lauren, I’ve just been-“

They both say it simultaneously: _“Throwing myself into my studies.”_

Camila stares at her.

Lauren sighs. “I did that the first time I kissed a girl, too. Like I said, I know how this works, Camila.”

There’s a specific change in Camila’s facial features: a raising of the brow, a narrowing of the eyes, a parting of the lips. Bird preparing to take flight.

“You know what, Lauren? No. No, you don’t know what I’m feeling right now. You don’t know my life. Not everything is about you, you know.”

“I didn’t say-“

_“I’m talking,”_ Camila cuts Lauren off. “I’m sorry you feel like I’ve been avoiding you, but I’m just trying to keep my grades up, okay? It’s nothing to do with you.”

“Bullshit.”

“You think just because I kissed you I’m suddenly having some quarter-life crisis? I was drunk, Lauren.”

“I’m fully aware.”

“I know it’s hard to believe, but _not every fucking girl_ who kisses you is in love with you!”

It’s like she slapped the girl. Camila instantly feels guilty, seeing the look on Lauren’s face. She stutters, still frustrated but less angry: “I mean, I didn’t mean-“

“No,” Lauren snaps back, eyes reddening. “No, not _every fucking girl_ who kisses me is in love with me. Just the ones who have to get drunk in order to feel fine about it the next day. Just the ones who need alcohol in order to face their feelings. You’d know a lot about that, huh?” She scoffs, not waiting to hear a response.

“You wanna know how much I think everything is about me? I’m in love with you, Camila-“

The words surprise even Lauren. She stumbles a moment, trying to regain the edge in her voice. She fails, though, eyes watering and trickling into her throat. “I’ve been in love with you since the very first fucking day I met you, and I don’t care how stupid that sounds! I don’t care how cliche it is; it’s the truth. But I swore to myself I’d never act on those feelings because I knew- _I fucking knew-_ if I did I’d lose our friendship. And I valued our friendship more than my own fucking feelings, which I guess was a mistake. I could’ve kissed you first, Camila, I could’ve taken things further and acted on my feelings, but-like I said that exact night-that would be taking advantage of you, of the situation itself- and I’m not that kind of fucking person. I only wanted to discuss the kiss because I wanted us to go back to normal. I didn’t expect you to come out to me, to confess your feelings for me- I wasn’t even planning on confessing my own feelings. But yeah, everything is about me. I’m so fucking conceited, huh?”

She doesn’t wait for Camila to reply. Within seconds, she’s out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

This is how it ends. Bird flies before it’s ready, hits the ground headfirst. Bird left for dead.


	4. Part 4

They really don’t talk much after that.

They’re both trying to avoid each other now. Lauren leaves for classes at five in the morning while Camila’s still asleep. Camila comes home at 2 AM each night when Lauren’s sleeping. They try avidly to spend as little time as possible in their dorm room.

Lauren’s been using her time away from her dorm to get over Camila. She’s been going to bars relatively far away so she won’t risk running into the girl, hooking up with girls (and guys) nearly every other night. It’s been affecting her grades immensely (her grade in PoliSci, specifically, has dropped from a 95 to a 67), but Lauren doesn’t really care about that. All she cares about is finding someone new to pour her heart into, someone more trustworthy than Camila.

And the thing is, Lauren really thinks she’s found someone- right at about the same time Camila moves out of the dorm altogether, leaving a sticky note in her place that says, _“I had to leave. I’m sorry.”_ In what used to be Camila’s bed lay Lucy, a girl with stars in her eyes and glitter in her hair. A bird of a brighter blue.

Lauren genuinely feels happy sharing a bed with someone each night, a beautiful girl who truly loves her. She rarely questions her happiness; only on nights like tonight.

She’s tossing and turning more than usual, and just as she’s finally sinking into sleep, there’s a hammering at her door. Lucy groans, but Lauren rubs her shoulder and coos, “I’ll get it.”

A bright red light in the room of darkness announces it’s two in the morning, and so Lauren expects Dinah or Ally to be at the door, drunk and struggling to find their actual dorm room. Of course, the worst is inevitable when it comes to Lauren, and so behind the door is none other than Camila Cabello.

Her first instinct is to coddle Camila, to treat her like a baby that’s just been abandoned at the doorstep. Lauren shudders, “Camila-!” Then, stuttering, she corrects her over-enthusiastic tone, “What are you-? Are you okay?”

Clearly, Camila is not okay. Not only is she walking around (sober) at two in the morning, but she’s shiveringin her pajamas, barely covered by a leather jacket. Even in the darkness of the hall, Lauren can see the bags beneath Camila’s eyes. _So you haven’t been sleeping well either, huh?_ She wants to say, but doesn’t.

“Yeah, I’m um-…” Camila runs a hand over her face and behind her neck. She crosses her arms. “Can we talk?”

Lauren can see this conversation going somewhere it shouldn’t. Lucy in mind, she closes the door behind her and steps out into the hall. Camila scrunches her brow at first in confusion, and Lauren offers, “Um, new roommate,” to which Camila responds, “Oh. Yeah. Of course.”

The two girls stand there for a moment in silence. Two birds without a nest.

“So I’ll go first,” Camila says suddenly, though the words themselves feel rehearsed. Flashbacks to when Lauren had confronted the girl about avoiding her appear like cracks of thunder. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me that night a-and how I reacted and um, like, I don’t-…like, I don’t know how-…I mean-“ She keeps her eyes pinned to the ground, a hand running through her hair. “I don’t- I mean like- I just-“

“Camila?” Lauren sighs, but smiles when she gets the girl’s attention. “Just spit it out. Whatever it is, just…tell me.”

In all honesty, Lauren should still have hard feelings. She shouldn’t be so willing to listen to Camila, especially in the middle of the night. But at this moment, her heart is happy. At this moment, she has a beautiful girl in her bed and bigger concerns than tension with Camila. Whatever happened between them is in the past now.

At least, that’s what Lauren thinks until Camila starts tearing up. Quickly, the younger girl crosses her arms, as if shielding herself from something. “I haven’t been um, like, sleeping like- at all, since we last talked and um, like-“ She breathes shakily, finally looking up at Lauren with red eyes. “I think-…I think-“

Lauren knows the words before they leave Camila’s mouth.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

_Too,_ Lauren wants to add. _I think I’m in love with you, too._ But then she remembers the love she had for Camila a month or two ago has all but faded. She’s in love with Lucy, the fact of which she doesn’t need to remind herself of, as just as she’s about to open her mouth, the door behind her creaks open.

“Babe?” Lucy covers one hand with her eye, stumbling over her feet as she latches an arm around Lauren’s neck. “What’s going-“ She silences at the sight of Camila. The two girls have never met, but Lucy recognizes the girl instantly. Lauren had told Lucy about Camila the second week of their relationship. That’s how important Camila still was to Lauren. How important Lucy was.

“Oh,” Lucy says. “I’ll um-…yeah.” She slips back into the room, making sure to snap the door shut.

Camila’s eyes are somehow more red when Lauren looks back at her, her face wet with escaped tears. She opens her mouth to say something, but nods her head down and mutters something indistinguishable and moves to leave but- but Lauren won’t let her.

“Camz,” She breathes, getting teary-eyed herself. “Let’s talk about this for a second-“

“No, no it was stupid and dumb and I don’t know why I even came here this was just so stupid so _fucking stupid_ I’m so sorry-“

“ _Camz,”_ Lauren tries again. “You’re not in love with me.”

Camila blinks.

“Listen to me. I’m glad you’re finding yourself but you’re not in love with me. Maybe you just miss me and you’re caught in a blur of misplaced feelings but I promise you: you’re not in love with me.” With each word, Lauren’s heart breaks a little more.

“But I am-“

“ _No,_ you aren’t. I went through this when I first realized I liked girls, too, okay? It’s not-“

“Will you just listen to me for a second?!” Camila’s face turns red with anger, less sadness. Frustration. “Stop acting like you know what I’m feeling, what I’m going through. Like this is some normal routine process. Like this is all just something made up in my head! You can’t just tell me what I feel-“

“How can you know you love me when you’ve never even had a real first kiss, Camila?”

Lauren only says it to get the girl to stop talking, but even she knows it’s as painful as a burn.

“ _Seriously?”_ Camila asks breathlessly, eyes wide and brow raised. When Lauren doesn’t respond, Camila nods. “You know, you always talk about how you know what I’m going through and what I’m doing. You think no one sees past your own actions, but I do. I know you’re only trying to turn me away, to hurt me briefly so I’ll somehow stop loving you. And maybe I should, but I also know you aren’t doing this to purposely hurt me. You just don’t want to accept that this is real. But it is, Lauren. Why don’t you own up to your bullshit?”

Lauren, shaking now, scoffs. “You’ve realized you like girls and I’m the easiest person to go to because I used to have a crush on you. But Camila? I’m not an experiment.”

“As if I would fucking treat you like one. As if-…As if I didn’t just-…” Camila wants to say so much more, but breathes out a shaky sigh. “Fine, Lauren. I love you, but maybe I should start loving myself more. This isn’t-…this isn’t worth it.” She starts to turn around, but turns back for another comment. “But you should know, this isn’t some made-up fantasy in my head. This isn’t me just wanting to be loved. You wanna know why I was getting drunk on campus in the first place that night? Why I was risking my scholarship here by drinking underage? Maybe you should ask Dinah about that.”

With that, Camila finally starts down the hall. No matter how badly Lauren wants to run after her, she stays footed in place, only reaching for the door after she’s slowed her breathing down.

“Is everything okay?” Lucy asks the moment Lauren slips back into bed, reluctantly wrapping her arms around the girl’s waist.

Lauren nods, murmurs an “mhm”. She only allows herself to cry once she’s sure Lucy’s fallen back asleep.

This is how the ending is prolonged. Bird crawls to safety, only to be attacked by predators. Bird, dying.


	5. Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super short chapter to hold you guys over until tomorrow when I can flesh out the ending. Thx for all the love!!

It’s not long after the encounter with Camila before Lauren breaks up with Lucy. The girl brings up excuses like a poor mental state, not in a “good place to be in a relationship”, lack of energy to keep up with a relationship, personal problems, it’s not you but me theories.

When it happens, the look on Lucy’s face clearly tells Lauren she thinks it’s all bullshit. She mutters something about Camila, but that’s all before she officially packs her things and leaves. That’s two roommates Lauren’s lost now. Two heartbreaks- neither of them looking like they’ll heal any time soon.

She did, in fact, call Dinah- about.two weeks after breaking up with Lucy.

“I shouldn’t even be talking to you.”

“I know.”

“Do you even realize how much you hurt her, Laur?”

“She hurt me, too-“

“That was different, and you know it. This whole “eye for an eye” argument leads nowhere- you do realize that, right?”

“Just tell me the story.”

Dinah takes a deep breath before answering. “She didn’t start having feelings for you after she kissed you. It was way before then, probably like a week into your guys’ friendship. She was convinced you were straight and could never like her, and one night it got to her so bad that she bought alcohol off of some senior and spent half the night in my dorm crying about you, like getting drunk was the only way to get over you. Then she went back to her actual room, and I guess she just got caught up in the moment with you.”

It’s a tough pill to swallow. Lauren opens her mouth to respond, tear running down her cheek, but Dinah saves her the trouble.

“And another thing: you said you didn’t want to “be her experiment,” you didn’t want to be her first girlfriend since she was “inexperienced”. That’s such bullshit in the first place, you know? But you wouldn’t have been her “first.” She had been trying to get over you in the period where you guys stopped talking.”

“What do you-?”

“Let me finish. She tried going to GSA meetings and gay clubs to meet people, and she actually met a girl, Ariana. They dated for maybe two weeks when Camila finally came crying to me one night, saying every time she’s with Ariana she thinks of you. She tried so fucking hard to get over you, Lauren.”

The phone call ends with Lauren crying, Dinah telling her to “woman the fuck up,” that she doesn’t deserve to cry when Camila has wasted weeks without sleep simply thinking of the girl. It ends with Dinah angrily pressing “end” on her phone and Lauren asking if the girl is still there. It ends with Lauren realizing she has to fucking do something. Anything.

So she does the only thing she can at quarter to midnight on a Thursday. She walks over to Camila and Dinah’s dorm room in nothing but pajamas and slippers, her fist hovering over the door when she hears yelling.

“ _You can’t let her have this effect on you-!”_

_“You think I’m letting this happen?! You think I want to be losing sleep over her? You think I don’t wish I could eat without getting sick? You think I like suffering like this, Dinah? God, you just don’t get it.”_

_“No, you’re right, I don’t get it. So explain it to me.”_

_“I’m tired, Dinah. I just- I just need a break from this.”_

_“Leaving the school isn’t a break. That’s a definite exit.”_

_“Maybe that’s what I need, then.”_

_“You’re really going to give up your scholarship? All because of a girl?”_

_“I’m not giving up! I’ve tried! I’ve tried so fucking hard to get over, and Ariana-…Ariana was so fucking great, Di, but we hadn’t even been together for a month when she told me she couldn’t be with me because I was still in love with Lauren- and she didn’t even have to ask me about it, you know? It was because I couldn’t stop fucking staring at Lauren in PoliSci. She knew just from that that I still had feelings for her. Do you know how sad that is?”_

_“So you keep trying to get over Lauren. But jeopardizing your education over a heartbreak isn’t-“_

_“This school was never for me anyway. It’s too big and I’m so fucking small a-and- I can’t- I can’t walk around campus fearing I’ll run into her. I can’t stay here knowing she’s always going to be a presence.”_

_“You’re just overwhelmed right now-“_

_“It’s been like this for weeks. I’m so fucking scared, Dinah, that this feeling is never going to go away-“_

That’s when Lauren finally stops listening, heart caught in her throat. She knocks on the door and instantly the voices of Camila and Dinah are silenced.

Lauren stands in the doorway, head bowed meekly, trying to catch Camila’s eyes before Dinah blocks the girl from view. “Oh, no,” She gets so close to Lauren the girl almost feels claustrophobic. “You’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you-“

“I’m just here to talk-“

“Now isn’t the time.”

“I think now is the only time, Dinah.”

Dinah cocks her head at that, eyes wide. “If you don’t leave right now Lauren I swear-“

“Just let her in, Di.”

Camila’s voice is rough as sandpaper, painful to hear. Both Dinah and Lauren look at her with a healthy amount of weariness.

“Camila-“

“What else can go wrong, Dinah?” She gives the girl a heartbreaking smile. “Just let us talk. Please.”

So she does, but not before giving Lauren a stern warning. “If you don’t convince her to stay, I promise you: you won’t be the only one leaving this school. You understand me?” Lauren nods. Dinah leaves.

Here they are again, Lauren and Camila, feet apart but worlds away.


	6. Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ):

After a moment, Camila says, “So are you going to go first or-“ But she fails to finish her sentence before completely breaking down into a fit of tears. Her chest heaves and she covers her mouth and struggles to cough out, “I’m sorry,” but Lauren wants to hush her and tell her she _doesn’t have anything to be sorry for_ and she wants to hug her and kiss her and-

And honestly, this isn’t the appropriate time to do so. Lauren understands there is a boundary that exists in this moment, one she can’t cross unless given permission. So she stands with her arms crossed, head bowed as if to give Camila privacy. She strains her eyes on the ground, waiting for Camila to catch her breath. When the girl finally does calm down, Lauren speaks.

“Camz-“ She starts, her voice cracking. “What were you two arguing about? Are you-…are you seriously considering leaving USC? Because of _me?_ ”

Camila thinks for a moment. “It’s not-…Not because of you, directly. More like the way you make me feel.”

The two girls flinch simultaneously, both of them realizing Camila’s explanation only hurts worse. “I mean-“

“Camila,” Lauren finally meets Camila’s eyes head on. “If my presence on campus is affecting you that much then I’ll leave. I mean, I’m a _junior._ My time here is almost done anyway and, honestly I could use the money it would save me and-…Camz, you’re crazy if you think I’d let you throw away your scholarship over me. I didn’t-“ Lauren’s voice cracks. “I didn’t mean to hurt you the way I did.”

“But you did,” Camila says coldly, albeit a bit unintentionally. “Just like I didn’t mean to hurt you but I did. Maybe that’s just how our relationship is now, us constantly hurting each-“ She takes a shaky breath, realizing she’s rambling. “Look, Lauren, is there a reason you came here? ‘Cause I-I have a lot to think about and deal with and-“

“I’m in love with you still.” Lauren says it breathlessly. “And you were in love with me at some point. And I know this doesn’t mean we can be together and I don’t expect that at all because that would be selfish of me but I just really, really needed to tell you that before I say anything else.”

Camila blinks.

“Maybe we’re just stupid teenagers who can’t get the timing right and maybe I was scared and then you were scared and this process just kept repeating itself and maybe we won’t ever end up together but my heart just won’t shut up-…” Lauren sees that Camila is still staring, and her mouth runs dry. “I-…I’m sorry- I probably said something wrong-“

“Hearts can’t talk.”

Now its Lauren who blinks.

“What are you-“

“You said your heart won’t shut up, but hearts can’t talk.”

Lauren’s eyes swell with tears, out of both endearment and exhaustion. “Camila, please-“

“No, just hear me out.” Camila steps closer, her voice as shaky as ever. “Hearts can’t talk, but I can.”

Their kiss is as deafening as their first one, a mere second longer perhaps, but still ending much too soon. When they pull away, Lauren is full-on crying, trying to hold onto a smile. “You can’t fix everything with a kiss.”

“No,” Camila glides her thumb over Lauren’s wet cheek. “This isn’t a band-aid. This is me s-swallowing my insecurity and owning my shit.” She smiles sadly. “That’s all this has ever been about, right? Owning up to our bullshit?”

Seeing the confused look in Lauren’s eyes, Camila continues without missing a beat. “You love me, and I still love you, and you’re right in that we may not end up together b-but we have to try, right? I mean, if you didn’t hope things would work out between us why even come here in the first place, right?” Lauren still blinks blankly, and Camila sighs, almost chuckling. “Jesus, Lauren, don’t make me o-outright say this when I’m crying.”

Lauren raises a brow. “I’ve no idea what you mean.”

Camila rolls her eyes. “Just go out with me. Let’s go on dates and kiss and fight and cry and do all the bullshit every other couple does just to try. Let’s-…Let’s stop being scared.”

Perhaps a kiss in this moment would be expected, but instead Lauren barrels straight into Camila, suffocating the girl in a giant hug. “I missed you,” She murmurs, unable to keep her breath steady. _“I’ve missed you so much.”_

Camila pulls from the hug just enough to crash her lips into Lauren’s. _I missed you too,_ she says without ever uttering a word. _More than you know._

Maybe USC was never the perfect school for Camila, but if finding Lauren is the only silver lining she gets out of this spontaneous college enrollment, well- she can live with that. She can live with that just fine.

It ends, indefinitely, like this: bird scrapes itself off the ground. Bird doesn’t find new nest; bird _creates_ it’s own new nest. Bird finds warmth. Bird finds love. Bird, healed.


End file.
